you enter the public restroom. I’m standing by the front sink with my hands folded in front of me and a pile of unconscious (?) guys at my feet. a flushing sound, a stall door opens and a new guy emerges, passing all five pristine ceramic washbowls with their fully loaded soap dispensers on his way to the exit, but just before he reaches the door I grab him by the nape and slam his head into the sink. he joins the comatose Pisshands Platoon on the floor. I return to my position and my eyes meet yours. you must conduct yourself cautiously here.
at the mariners bar: sorry mates i cant go out today.. My boat’s transmasc now. He’s more comfortable with he/him. He just went through top surgery to get his sails removed and he’s recovering.
Bluebeard-and-Pronouns the woke pirate: arrg so he’s gotten a mastectomy. well i’m glad that he’s discovered himself.
I hate that like when arguing with christians about how they think that homosexuality is a sin because of the bible its a faux pas to be like ok well that’s not real
I do not care about someone’s personal creation mythology but when we are talking about like actual legislation that decides equal rights it is like ok you cannot just say source: religious document. why is that even allowed or taken seriously
I turn 30 next month so here’s what I learned in my 20s:
—don’t work for startups, they’re always one ‘innovative idea’ away adding ‘sell your kidneys on the black market’ to your job description.
—keeping a collection of basic OTC medicine on you will save your life one day. I recommend Advil, Imodium, and TUMS.
—those little single-use glasses cleaning wipes are 1000% worth the money
—overly self-depreciating jokes just make people uncomfortable, wean yourself off of them
—you can buy dehydrated mini marshmallows in bulk online and they’re a godsend for hot cocoa
—people don’t care if you have fidget toys on your desk they just want to play with them
—try to go to bed BEFORE the existential ennui kicks in
Also drink water and eat a plant
This is all GREAT. I turned 40 last week, so permit me to add what I learned in my 30s:
keep on not working for startups
sometimes there comes a point where the thing (fandom, hobby, friendship, romantic relationship) you loved no longer brings you joy. And that’s okay. Try to mourn the loss, take joy in the memories, and don’t burn any bridges in case ten years go by and you find yourself back in that fandom/hobby/relationship again
it turns out that (ugh) moderate regular exercise is (spit) good for you. The sooner you make it part of your life, the easier it’ll be
related: if you throw yourself into a new exercise regime too hard and too fast, without stopping to rest or consider whether a particular move is good for you … well, shoulder injuries are painful and consults with orthopedic surgeons are expensive
knees are bastards too
don’t even get me started on ankles
there may come a time when your digestive system is too fragile for ibuprofin. I’m sorry
one day you’re gonna wake up and realise you no longer give any fucks about some things that used to bother you
on the other hand, you might be alarmed to realise what you still give a fuck about
never get down on the floor without an exit strategy for getting back up
I turn 50 this year. what I have learned in my 40s:
“loving yourself” is less of a feeling and more of an action. you can start doing it any time and it will make your life better and better as you go on
this will happen incrementally - be patient
along those lines, if you haven’t started making an active effort to quit shit-talking yourself, suck it up and do it
no, shut up. do it. “but it’s haaaaard!” don’t care. do it.
whether you like it or not, you are mortal and you need to go to the doctor for an annual checkup
stretch regularly - your future self will thank you
at some point you will encounter people much younger than you arguing passionately and incorrectly about history you personally remember and experienced
this will be infuriating and annoying
otoh, most other things just… will not matter to you as much
at some point you will shift from wanting to go out to being like “eh” and deciding to stay in. this is okay.
you will have absolutely no idea what The Youth are talking about and you will not care
but if you keep your mind open to new ideas you’ll never be irrelevant
your company still doesn’t love you - don’t give them more than they pay you for
get a fucking hobby, especially a hobby that involves physically creating/handling something and/or moving your body in physical space. it will do you more good than you can imagine
Just turned 60 and let me say:
Find joy, every kind, it’s always worth it
I’m talking that massive, never-ending Discord chat with your bestie? The one that makes you giggle through the day? It’s not a “waste of time,” it’s what time was made for
If that’s fanfic for your favorite characters who never even met on screen celebrate that!
If that’s building a tiny fleet of snake villagers for your snake town and they just cover your mantel hell yes!
If that’s collecting pillows and making a fort of them every weekend I’ll be right over
Feeling and sharing joy is the whole point
This is too tempting…, so, I’m 74, and: don’t fund startups
Please keep stretching and exercise enough NOT to need an elaborate strategy to get up from the floor. IT MAY SAVE YOUR LIFE
Say bye to your employer as early as you possibly can, unless you really love your job. You won’t be sorry.
Keep doing the annual checkups 🙏🏼
Enjoy that fucking hobby you’ve acquired in your 50, or find something new. Do try new things & adventures.
I like stories where a normal human child is being raised by a sinister supernatural being who is totally malevolent except when it comes to their kid. Those are so much better than the âkids are scaryâ changeling type horror movies.
Like a perfectly well-adjusted well-mannered friendly child that is like âThis is my dad, Surazal. He comes out of the mirrors in dark rooms. He makes really good blood pudding but heâs bad at playing catch. Most people canât see his corporal form but I can because he says I have special eyes.â
âMom says that you can stay over but you have to promise not to leave my room between midnight and 1 am. You can play Mario Cart with me! But you have to knock on every closed door in the house before entering just because dad might be in there and if you look upon his visage without drinking the holy fruit juice, you might go crazy or something. Also dad is really excited I have a new friend and heâs going to to make hardtack and mystery stew for us! Youâll love it!â
In high school the kid gets a friend that is an amateur demonologist who initially befriends them in hopes of exorcizing their house but ends up becoming buddies with Surazal too because they crave parental affection.
Surazal stands at the end of the vast dark hallway and says âYou Too Have Special Eyes, Little One. You Can See Me Without Being Taken By The Madness. Within You, I Sense Great Turmoil And Sadness. In My Younger Years, I Would Have Exploited The Sadness As Weakness In Your Very Soul. I Would Have Worn Your Skin Like A Mask And Run Through The Village Streets, Supping Blood From Every Man I Encountered. But Now I Have No Use For Woe. Perhaps You Would Like To Watch Beetlejuice In The Family Room With My Daughter While I Prepare Cupcakes. I Am Sensing You Have A Fondness for Red Velvet.â
The next time you want to call a sequence âWell animatedâ do yourself a favour and rewatch it with the sound muted. Often times irâs only after you remove sound from something that you can truly see if the animation underneath is actually good or not, or if the music/acting is manipulating you.
âŚ.but on that same note, âWell animatedâ does not mean âFluidly animatedâ. Because something can be VERY well animated and have few frames if those frames are in the right place, or have a shit ton for frames and be badly animated because itâs over-animated and moves way too much.
The animation is kinda choppy, but its still likeable.
Vs.
The hair doesnât need to bounce, every time this person blinks.
finding out that almost all other animals donât have periods like we do and instead simply reabsorb the egg back into their uterine lining to reuse the nutrients is like finding out the rest of the class has been taking WILDLY easier tests than you for the whole semester
like, hey, cat why donât you have to use your Cat Dollars to invest in tampons? And cat is just like: fuck that noise, my body is OPTIMAL for not being made of inconvenient nonsense, sucks to be you
wack.
humans: hey, bleeding every month is actually really cumbersome and I lose both valuable nutrients AND fluids I need for survival? What the fuck is up?
evolution: yes, alright, but have you considered this about it? *cartoon blow horn noise*Â
Human bodies suck for many reasons including but not limited to:
Periods
Bad backs
Permanent breasts that do not leave once baby is weaned
Dangerously large, unprotected, and non retractable male reproductive systems
Huge brain takes up way too much energy gotta eat more sleep less
Baby brain bigger than hips guess birth is life threatening now
Takes like 25 years for big brain to even finish maturing
â˘Teeth are critical to living, yet not designed to last more than a few years without constant intervention and upkeep, and donât grow back if this is not accomplished. Also, losing your teeth means the bones in your ear will shift, and your hearing will worsen.
â˘Breathing, eating, communication all from the same pathway, major choking hazard. Give me a dolphin style breathing tube.
â˘Most pleasurable nerve endings on the body locating on the filthiest parts of you, guarenteed spread of bacteria.
â˘knees and shoulders have almost zero capability to heal correctly, once they break, theyâre basically broken forever without massive outside influence.
truer words
Takes like 25 years for big brain to even finish maturing
Not true, not true! Your brain develops continually over your life, as best we can tell. We canât tell for sure, though, because the study that was working on this ran out of money when the first cohort reached⌠oh hey⌠25! Yes! The reason the general public thinks the brain is done cooking at 25 is because thatâs when the main study stopped dead.
Takes like 25
years for big brain to even
finish maturing
Beep boop! I look for accidental haiku posts. Sometimes I mess up.
ALT
